Assisted Living Options: What I Wish Every Family Knew Before They Needed To

My father lived to 93. My mother lived to 87. 

They raised four kids, loved each other through 63 years of marriage, and built a life full of  the small, steady things that tend to be the most meaningful. Because my mother was five  years younger (and female), we all assumed she’d have more time.  

But at 87, my mother had a massive stroke. She never moved into a care facility or used her  long-term care insurance. She passed away, and my father, determined to stay in his home  until the end, died about a year later.  

I share this because that experience has shaped how I sit with every client who comes to  me with questions about assisted living. I know that these conversations are less about  money and more about love, independence, and the way families hold each other through  change and loss.  

What I’ve learned is that while the emotions around these decisions are very real, the path  forward is usually clearer than families expect; and the financial reality is almost always  more manageable than it first appears.  

Almost Everybody Wants to Age in Place 

This is where nearly every conversation starts. Home holds your routines, your memories,  and your sense of control, so the desire to stay there is completely natural. 

For some people, aging in place works beautifully. You can bring care into the house, hire  aides for specific needs, and maintain your independence while getting help where you  need it.  

But for many others, it reaches a tipping point:

• One spouse needs more care than the other can provide 
• The house becomes harder to manage 
• A fall changes everything overnight 

I see this tension in my own family right now. My mother-in-law is aging in place, and she’s  determined to stay. She’s independent, she’s always been self-reliant, and the idea of  moving into a facility feels to her like giving up. Her children (my wife included) would feel  better knowing she had more support around her.  

The truth is that there’s no perfect answer. The goal is to understand your options, plan  for them financially, and make the decision that’s right for your family, even when that  decision is complicated. 

Understanding Your Assisted Living Options 

The variety of facilities available today is almost dizzying in its complexity. That’s actually  one of the first things I spend time on with clients: just helping them understand what’s out  there and how the different structures work financially. 

1. In-Home Care 

This is what many people try first: bringing care providers into the home to help with daily  needs. It can work well for a period of time, especially for less intensive care needs. But as  those needs increase, in-home care can become both expensive and logistically difficult to  manage, particularly for a spouse who is also aging and managing their own health  challenges. 

2. Apartment-Style Rentals 

This is the most straightforward option. You move into a facility, pay monthly rent, and if  you need additional care services, you pay for those on an à la carte basis. The costs are  predictable and there’s no large upfront capital commitment, which makes it the easiest to  model in a financial plan. 

3. Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs) 

CCRCs can involve buying into a unit and, in some cases, prepaying for future care. That  structure can be appealing, but the financial details matter. Resale terms, equity  expectations, and timing are not always as straightforward as they appear.  

For example, when a resident passes away or moves to a higher level of care, the family  may need the community to resell the unit before they can recover their initial investment.  I’ve seen that process take years, which means a significant amount of capital can stay 

tied up longer than anyone planned for. It’s one of the reasons I spend time walking clients  through the full financial picture before they commit. 

Sticker Shock: The Real Cost of Assisted Care 

When someone hears that a facility might cost $8,000 or $10,000 a month, the reaction is  almost always the same: sticker shock.  

But what people almost always fail to account for is that a whole set of existing expenses  tends to disappear when this transition happens. 

• If you’re selling the family home, property taxes, insurance, maintenance, and  utilities go away.  
• If you’re no longer traveling, that expense goes away.  
• Even smaller things like dining out, a car payment, gas, and groceries shift  dramatically when meals and housing are included in your care. 

So the real question isn’t “Can I afford $8,000 a month on top of everything else?” It’s  “What does $8,000 a month look like instead of everything else?” 

There’s another reality that’s hard to talk about but important to understand. When  someone truly needs facility-level care, the duration of their stay is typically only a few  years. I know that’s a difficult thing to sit with, but from a planning perspective, that’s often  a manageable cost within the context of your broader financial picture.  

Do I Need Long-Term Care Insurance? 

Twenty years ago, you could buy a long-term care policy that would kick in when you  needed help with daily living activities. Those policies offered lifetime benefits and were  reasonably affordable.  

Today, the policies that are still available tend to be expensive, and they typically cover a  limited period of time or a set dollar amount. There are also permanent life insurance  policies with long-term care riders that can tap into the policy’s cash value to pay for care.  Those exist, and we’ve had clients purchase them, but they’re not right for everyone. 

For many families, self-insuring is the more practical path. In our planning process, we  model a range of scenarios, which often means families discover they have more flexibility  than they initially expected. 

Related: 

The Most Important Advice I Can Give: Maintain Your Optionality 

If there is one principle that shapes every conversation I have about assisted living, it is  this: do not commit before you need to. 

More than once, my parents were urged to buy into a CCRC, and each time I told them to  wait. In the end, it was the right call—they never needed the facility. 

Your health may evolve differently than expected, you may move closer to family, or the  facility itself may change. Keeping your options open allows us to find the right home for  you when you need it most.  

What About Your “Stuff?” 

There’s one part of this transition that catches almost everyone off guard, and it has  nothing to do with finances or medical care. It’s your “stuff.” 

There’s a concept that’s gained some attention in recent years called “Swedish death  cleaning.” It’s the practice of intentionally paring down your belongings while you’re still  healthy and able, as a gift both to yourself and to your family. It sounds morbid, but it’s  actually one of the most generous things you can do for your loved ones. 

When my parents passed away, my family filled two entire construction dumpsters  cleaning out their home. My father was a bit of a hoarder; he wanted to keep everything  he’d ever had. My mother was less attached to things, but even she had accumulated far  more than any of us realized. 

My advice is to start that conversation now and ask your kids what they actually want. The  answer is almost always fewer items than you’d expect, but the things that do matter carry  real weight. I have a few small things from my grandparents and parents sitting on a bureau  in my home. They’re tiny, but I look at them and they bring me right back. 

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We’re Here to Help Make the Tough Decisions 

Navigating assisted living options touches every part of life: the financial, emotional, and  logistical. There’s no single right answer, and the best decision for one family might be  completely wrong for another.

What I’ve seen, again and again, is that the families who fare best are the ones who start  these conversations early. And we’re here to help you through all of it, because running the  numbers matters, but so does sitting with you through the harder questions about what  your family needs and how you want to be cared for when the time comes. If this is  something your family is starting to think about, or if you just want to talk through what the  road ahead might look like, we’re here.  

If assisted living is something your family is starting to think about, and you’d like a  thought partner to help you look at the options, we’d welcome that conversation. We  invite you to schedule a (Meeting) where we can look at your family’s options for the  future you truly want.